Sometimes overwhelmed with labs, tests, surgeries, treatments etc I forget to focus on spending quality time with my little bits. I need to spend time with myself, still working on that. One of my pastors had challenged me this year to really focus on me and forget about pleasing and doing for everyone else. At first  I thought how selfish this sounded. However, as the months went on God spoke to my spirit about what it really meant. It meant to find value in ME. If I don't, then how can anyone else? If I see myself as broken then how can I help others? If I'm trying to please everyone else but I'm falling apart how is that healthy? I began the long slow journey of trying to find me....the new me...yes I have limitations and challenges and the whole nine. Yes my life revolves around yearning to be in church, but treatments and drs visits etc, have overwhelmed my life but WHO AM I? I am not the conditions that attack my body. My soul is so much more than that. My soul and strength come from the one who created me to be me, so how can I look at myself as a broken body when God made me in HIS image and HE is not broken? When you really get into depth of what God says we are, WHO he says we are we can get a sense of longing and desire to be who he says we are even when we don't FEEL it. Sometimes, I really despise feelings. The thoughts of feelings can drift us off course of where we are meant to go and make us question every dream, every goal, and every move we ever make. I wonder about what people think way too much and God stops me in my tracks and says, "I know your heart". At the end of the day THAT is what I must focus on if no one else is in my car with me, God is and HE is in the driver seat. Giving God the keys to our car is not easy and sometimes we wrestle for the keys. I have to pull over because the speed at which we are going I feel I cant handle, like the task in front of me. I see the mountain thats in front of us and think, "HOW can this little car make it up that steep mountain?" Then I hear a whisper of hope, "I will never leave you nor forsake you". Sometimes those whispers of hope are the only thing that keeps me going from hour to hour. Some days its a random text from someone who I haven't gotten to see or talk to in forever. Lately though its been the positive voices of people that are making themselves in my life to push me farther knowing that even though I may not see it right now God has such a purpose to ignite a fire that only HE can.
Last weekend I had a little push from God, the kids had to be at service early and I felt moved to volunteer on decision team. I'm introverted by nature, to even engage in conversation with people I have to swallow the lump in my throat, put my big girl panties on, and say OK I can do this, over and over. Sometimes the fear is paralyzing, I feel like I don't fit in, I want people to like me, did I say the right things? This past Sunday I felt that in the meetings, but as I was drawn to this one woman I felt a sense of urgency and strength that I hadn't felt in a long time. I've had several times over the years where people poured their hearts to me about very hurtful past events that shaped who they were. Having gone through a lot myself I can relate to many damaging events that people have to heal from. They ask why God allowed such things to happen, and I answer that the people that hurt them did that on their free will but God is there with open arms wanting to hold you and tell you its going to be OK. He will use the bad circumstances that happen in life for good when we allow Him to use us to help others in their time of pain. Not everything that happens in life is good, but there is something good in every day, some days its just harder to see it. Focus in on who God says you are, ask Him to reveal it to you. He will in time, one day at a time reveal the next focus for you...until then love where you are, theres a reason why you are there.